Really, Fox News?

  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/04/12/colbert-fox-friends_n_847930.html   

Hey everybody! I just got my annual Pap Smear and Breast Exam at Walgreen’s! Very attentive and thorough. Too bad it was from the creepy guy just behind me in the check out line.

He had a nice warm Speculum…At least, that’s what he said it was.

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Sure Fire-Guy Magnate-Snacky Choker

Tired of spending $$$ for fancy assed French perfumes, only to find that only other Gals think you smell purty?
Are you facing yet another Monday night football as a “Sports Widow”, or worse yet, an uninteresting cypher on the radar of Burly Man Meat Central?

Then this lovely necklace is for you!

Guaranteed to attract every hungry for love Fella in the dive bar of your choice.

You are bound to get a good nibble on your well baited fashion statement!

Made of real ‘Tater Tots, olives, and a stunning bacon wrapped pickled asparagus pendant, it is highly reccomened as the most recyclable and attention getting jewelry item you will ever own.
Even shy stray pooches will come a runnin’ just to show their undying affection!
Get yours today (because it will most likely be kinda ripe by tomorrow), and give those Big Galoots a try at your smorgasbord of greasy yummy goodness!

http://www.etsy.com/listing/71403206/sure-fire-guy-magnate-snacky-choker?fref=fb_itemlist

and this is why you shouldn’t feed the dogs wearing this necklace….

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Have Shaker-Will Time Travel

The concept of “Have Shaker- Will Time Travel” is as a cocktail blog, but in a Steampunk style story format.
I will include at least one recipe with each tale, and some historical facts pertinent to the drink itself, if available.
My opening tale, which features an artist you may very well be familiar with, has true details about the time and place, along with a real description of his “personal effects”…

Have Shaker-Will Time Travel: The Geneviève Bouteille Chronicles-

Part one- Absinthe.

By Maizie Teasworth

Copyright 2011, Barbara Goldman.

My goggles had slipped rakishly over one eye, and I silently but firmly suggested the room stop spinning.

“I suppose I might have known that Absinthe would be my ultimate downfall, but perhaps not quite so literally”, I muttered to myself as I rubbed my poor bottom, which had twice taken the full brunt of my plummet from bar stool to floor.
But perhaps I should start at the beginning…

“That’s odd,” I thought, as I strolled the aisles of vendors plying their wares at SteamCon 42.

“I wonder why I didn’t see that small table on the first pass. Perhaps it’s just poorly lit”.

I paused to adjust my emerald leather corset.

“Setting 3, upper bodice panels”, I said into my couture com-link, and breathed a sigh of relief as it loosened. The two iridescent green gossamer cooling fans on my back activated with a soothing hum.

You can download the whole thing for Amazon Kindle at http://www.amazon.com/Have-Shaker-will-travel-ebook/dp/B005IBNSKA/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1313934693&sr=8-7

Copyright 2011 Barbara Goldman

Fin

Maizie Teasworth, AKA Barbara Goldman,

Is also a Jewelry Maker, and can be found on Etsy

http://www.etsy.com/shop/clockworkbeetle

All of my creations and curiosities are created with a large dose of whimsy, and are just the thing to perk up your wardrobe, and drive off melancholia.
Medals, stick, lapel, and cravat pins are my specialty! I also make brooches and necklaces, and other bits of finery.
I have recently taken a shine to antique cosmetic and drug labels and advertisements, and also the magnificent 1890’s through 1950’s trading cards that used to accompany bottles of beef extract.
These bits of history have been transmuted into jewelry and framed altered art creations.I spend a lot of time haunting estate and garage sales, antique and thrift stores for inspiration. I take apart old clocks and watches for their lovely innards. I also delight in looking at the world just slightly askew, to see how unexpected things and random bits might make a whole new creation.

The rest is just clamping, gluing, sweat and giggles.

Some of my favorite media to utilize issue from the natural and supernatural worlds, such as Jewel beetle (Sternocera Aequis) Elytra (the outer chitinous wings of the insect). These lovely, iridescent, lighter than a feather bits of insect armor are truly a wonder. The Beetles are sustainably farmed in Thailand, where they are considered a tasty treat locally, and the Elytra are the castoffs! Be the first one on your Airship to sport some fine buggish bits soon!

I also love “Day of the Dead” themes, gears, chains, and antique shiny bits to delight the Steampunk or Gothic Crow in anyone…

I’m always looking for new inspiration, so check back often, to see what my fevered mind has birthed into this, or alternate universes… (Err, for other than this plane of existence, postage might be a bit more, and no guarantees of a delivery date, but I’ll do my best!)

All jewelry creations are one of a kind and will never exactly be repeated. Rest assured that your item will be as individual as its new owner.

Thank you for perusing my wears, and I hope that I can be of service to you!

Your Servant in all things Bauble-ish,
Maizie Teasworth,
AKA
Barbara Goldman

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Air Kraken medal of honor steampunk brooch pin number two

This pin utilizes a black and white military ribbon drape, links from a vintage clock chain, and vintage clock gear.
The little bronze Air Kraken is hand cast bronze and extremely rare.
Both the gear and the Kraken will swing freely from the drape to show that there is life in the beastie still!

I am down to only 14 of these rare little Air Krakens ( aka Albasquids ), and it is uncertain if there will be more made. There is nothing like them to be found anywhere else!
Act fast!

The Rare Bronze Air Kraken, in captivity at last!

Captain Hugo Merrifield clung precariously off the guy wires dangling from the body of the Airship HMS Gadfly.
He groaned to himself, peering through his brass spyglass.

"Another Damn Air Kraken off the starboard bow," he muttered.

"Is it in a mating frenzy, or just the usual devouring mode?"

Queried Adamas Devoveo Matris, chief Weapon’s officer, as she spat on her whetstone, honing her favorite cutlass to a razor edge.

"Can’t say for sure, but I believe it just winked at me!" Remarked the Captain.

Matris rose from her seat on a pile of coiled rope, reaching for an oversized set of rusty manacles. Attaching it to the spare length of anchor chain, She hissed through her teeth at the Captain,
"Sing that little ditty you taught us at the Gut Bucket Ale House last shore leave. If it croons back and approaches the ship, outermost tentacles waiving in a counterclockwise fashion, then Love is in the air!"

The captain reached into the back pocket of his khaki jodhpurs, pulling out a battered silver flask of Absinthe with shaking hand.
He took a long pull, and then began to sing in a loud but tremulous off key baritone….
"ALLLL FOR ME GROGGG, ME JOLLY, JOLLY GROGGG, ALL GONE FOR BEER AND TOBACCO, I HAVE SPENT ALL OF ME TIN ON THE LASSIES DRINKIN’ GIN, AND IT’S BY THE HARD NORTH WIND I’M BOUND TO WANDERRRR!"

The gargantuan winged calamari began to drift closer, squealing like a bagpipe fashioned from a live pig as it approached, slimy glistening arms circling outward. The suckers made an obscene smooching noise as it reached for the grimacing Commander.

"That’s got her attention, Captain! Just a little closer…."Intoned Adamas, swinging the chain over her head in a short ellipse.

The fetid rotten fish breath of the approaching beast began to wash over the both of them as they stood their ground before it’s nightmarish countenance, its slavering beak snapping in anticipation of dark romance.

With a grunt of effort, Adamas, spinning in place like an Olympian discus thrower, let fly the bronze links and restraints with the raw power and precision born from decades of bolo hunting in Argentina.
Across the aether the chain sped, making contact and wrapping the love struck squiddish suitor, the manacles closing with a loud snick upon the reaching foremost tentacles .
The Air Kraken abruptly went limp and passive, heaving a deep sigh like a train whistle. The wide, coquettish eyes unfocused, half lidded in a heated, come hither boudoir stare.
"AHH! that’s got her nice and tidy!" exulted the Captain.
"I always heard that when they are ready to spawn, if you capture and wrap them snugly, they can be controlled almost forever.
They just love a good prolonged embrace, chains or tentacles. Mayhap a little game of slap and tickle with the crew," he leered. "Or perhaps we’ll fire up the fryer and have a feast!"

"I won’t see her abused on the Gadfly! I’ve taken this Air Kraken on as a personal ward," huffed an irate Adamas."Bad enough she has to be restrained .I wonder what a Kraken Safe Word might be," she chuckled to herself.
"I’ll see if she can do us any good shipboard, or perhaps along side the Gadfly, catching a fresh bit of goose to add to our larder!
Besides, she’s a sight to see, isn’t she?
I’ve never seen such a lovely form on an Albasquid before!
I have a mind to see if she’s willing to model for the jewel wright . Wouldn’t she make a noble little medal for all who have battled her like and been victorious?"

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Queen of Seattle Steam Calliope player

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Gay Lesbian Same Sex Marriage Medal of Valour Necklace for Women

What is Valour?
Courage, especially that shown in war or battle.

Bravery, heroism, fearlessness, boldness, gallantry, pluck, spirit, lionheartedness.

This Medal Necklace honors all the strong, brave and persistent Women who, in the face of governmental and religious opposition, continue to stand up and say;
” All who Love and Commit to one another should and WILL be given the Right to Marry!”

This Fine piece depicts two lovely modern art female nude figures with a thorn crowned Heart between them, dangling from a filigree pewter pendant, all Hanging from a double black ribbon that connects in a clip at the back.

May all who see you, or someone you love, wearing this Medal, open their hearts and minds to this Great Truth:

LOVE AND MARRIAGE SHOULD BE HONORED AND RESPECTED IN ALL ITS FORMS!!!

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